Tenants. Mind fuck.

Sometimes I get tired and sometimes I don’t. So, what better time to write an update when I can’t spell and when my brain is mush.

Right. This week’s highlights:

1. My mom bought me a TWISP. It’s an electric cigarette- so that I can quit smoking. My brother – who decided because I smoke strong cigarettes (with menthol) that he would buy the strongest oils to go in it… with a touch of menthol. He neglected to tell me that when taking a drag – only to take a small one. So I did what I do with my normal cigarettes and took a long deep drag.  Two seconds later I was clutching on to the kitchen counter red-faced and convinced I had just collapsed a lung. I was making the most disgusting cough / snort / I can’t breathe noises while he nearly peed himself laughing on the other end of the phone. So yes, the plan is to quit smoking once I figure out how this new space aged invention works. Because at the moment I am too scared to touch it in case I break it or I die. I got my friend who also smokes heavy cigarettes to take a drag and his reaction was the same… so it’s not just me. That is fucking STRONG.
2. I got a new tenant in the house. Truthfully after three days he irritated me so much I found it hard not to just bully him into leaving. But I TRIED to be patient. He did to two things which sealed his fate:- He told me that he was smarter than everyone else in the house. Which is not the case. Because I am 🙂
   – He came home high, wearing a hoodie and avoiding eye contact. I did drugs. I’m not stupid. So I just grabbed his arm, dragged him into the kitchen, yanked his hoodie off and made him look up towards the light so I could see his eyes. High as helium balloon. (House rules state that if you come into my house high or drunk you will be evicted immediately).

   – He smokes  joint in the park…. WITH MY DOGS near him.

   So when I flipped out –he started telling me how he has shot Nigerians in the head… and he isn’t scared of me. So in my already maniacal state – I laughed and told him that lying to me just proves he isn’t as smart as he thinks he is. No one just shoots a Nigerian in the head and strolls away. Especially not some skinny white boy who looks more like he would run than fight. And even if he did do that… what was he going to shoot me with? His roll of rizzlaz?

   So James and I sit him down on the couch… and he starts breathing all heavily like a pregnant woman in labour. So again, I laugh – because I don’t know what that means. Is he angry, do I need to fetch an asthma pump…?

   So James starts to explain to him why we are evicting him. He explains that he can do the pee test and then pack his crap and go or, he can avoid the humiliation of the pee test and just go.

   So tenant starts insulting me. He wasn’t even listening to James. His whole body and weird fidgety fear was all ‘mine’. James’s adrenalin kicked him so hard he couldn’t speak (he has social anxiety disorder) – so I do what I do best and I took over. But I was also very angry so I was shaking – and when I am that angry I am monotone and apparently my eyes get all weird.. so the tenant took one look at me and with genuine fear, says – Please don’t get violent, and then starts listing how I have harmed him.

   1. I threw a toaster at him. True. But only because he would use it and put back in the cupboard on top shelf and then when I took it out I would get crumbs in my eyes, in my clothes…
   2. I threatened to break his fingers if he left his dirty dishes in the sink overnight. True. I was smiling at the time but he knew…
   3. I used what he told me in confidence against him. Stories of how he used to beat up gay people. Don’t even get me started on that…  but I couldn’t understand how he could tell me, a BISEXUAL …. I was very offended.

   4. We don’t ‘entertain him’. He complained… about not being entertained.

   I think it was at that point I lost my cool. Entertain him? What does he want? James to play games with him? Me to listen to his arrogant compulsive lies? Does he want to play scrabble? Monopoly? I reminded him that I had stayed up until 4 in the morning twice trying to help him with what he was going through. That we had played board games AND that I had instituted the tenants cooking for more than just themselves one night a week SO THAT we could socialize instead of all hiding away in their rooms. (and incidentally, we have a vegetarian in the house and he flat out said he didn’t care what she ate because vegetarians are stupid. But he would eat her food.)

   So he phones his boss to come fetch him. An Egyptian guy who can barely speak English. I have dated two Egyptians. Both were MESSED UP. So I have a knee jerk response to them. The boss arrives, and his tactic was to flirt with me and then when that clearly wasn’t working, he then begged me to let the tenant stay. I said no about 10 times before I got irritated and told the tenant that my advice to him was to drop the ‘I am smarter arrogant’ thing until he learned that lying and being an idiot is what is the most noticeable, and told the boss that to stop trying to soften the tenants consequences. It will teach him nothing other than that he can get away with being a dork.

   And then just said: Get off my driveway!!!

   And I waltzed inside. James shook for the next hour because of the adrenaline and I rehashed the conversation in complete disbelief that he had tried to continue lying when he KNEW I knew when he was lying. Fascinating.

   The guy was also fired the next day. His boss ‘saw the light’. Do I feel bad? No. Not at all. I am responsible for the people in this house as far as living in a clean and sober environment. So if you break that rule – then you must go.

   And in case any of you bleeding hearts DO feel bad for him – he is now at his parents’ house. So he isn’t homeless or hungry. He is a just a dork.

3. In other news…    I officially know how to make a fire. I am a fire goddess. BRILLIANT!!!!!!!   This may be useless to all of you but seriously… it ROCKS. And it’s safe. I am afraid of fire, but I have this nailed!!
4.  I am still collecting my arsenal. I await a cleaver, and I want to get a tazer. I can add them to my police issue pepper spray, a machete, a putter with nails sticking out the end, several knives of different sizes and two hammers, One huge one, and a small one.Also I want a high velocity paintball gun or a Glock rubber bullet gun.

So ya. It’s been a dull week.