It has been a long, long time since I have been this sad. Drained, and tired and sad. My heart is aching and my mind feels like its bleeding with guilt and… anger… and powerlessness.
I have choices to make, and what ever I choose will hurt. Will hurt someone else, and I will carry the overwhelming pain of it for as long as I breathe.
It is easy for others to tell me what they think I should do. With passion. With enthusiasm. But… it will be me who has make the choice.
Me, who has to look into the eyes of my animals and say good bye. The fucked up part is that me being a monster is the kindest gesture I am able to offer.
I am so heart sore. I will be re opening wounds – hacking them open with a scalpal – reminding me that once again – I was unable to save something I loved. Something that was in my care. Something that I love…. deeply.
Anyone who has to put an animal that is a part of you down… will know at least fraction of what it is that I am feeling right now. The remorse. The guilt, but the reality means that I have no choice. Not anymore.
I have heard the phrase ‘they died of a broken heart’. That feels accurate. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. No.. im not suicidal – im just…. so sad its crippling me right now.
* Please don’t give me advice. There is NO avenue I have not investigated or thought about. There is no research that I have not done. I have seen the right people, had behaviorists in and I have tried my best. All I am doing here is sharing my feelings. Getting them out. Don’t talk to me about it. You will not meet with a friendly response. I am teetering on the edge of craziness,and thats not an edge you want to push me off of. Because I will climb backup and rip your jugular out.