There are moments on some days, usually round late afternoon, that my speed train brain whips into turbo mode, and I get sad. Sad – but not sure why. I could collect all the thoughts that whiz by, and blame it on the collective negativity – but it feels more complicated and runs deeper than that.

This roll out into 2015 has left me dwelling on the parts of 2014 that I never quite wrapped up. I feel like I didn’t get to put any luggage down and I have been dragging it all around one sluggish heavy movement at a time. Weighted. Slow.

I think in poetry and stare at the moon like it belongs to me. Escape in the wind and the rain and make wishes. I wish that people were nicer to each other, and that I didn’t always feel so… Separated.

I wish that my mind didn’t make so many others feel uncomfortable. I also wish that other people weren’t so easy to make uncomfortable.

I feel like my insides are not contained in my skin. I feel like I am spread out all over all my favourite places and in my favourite smells and faces. Memories I suppose. I live in them. Good and bad.

I spill love, and find reasons to find beauty in the broken and the flawed. Because it is there. Like in the wild haired faces of the hippies and the red cheeked children before they learn that their parents aren’t perfect. When love is as simple as love letters and silly smiles.

I adore the imperfection in others but my own makes me feel inadequate, and impossible to save.

Mom about to turn 35 and I am no more in control than when I was 21. The only difference is that somewhere in those years I forgot how to give a shit. Most days. When I do care, I hide it well. Just not well enough today.

What do I deserve? I ask my self often. Do I deserve the wreck that is my brain and the sewn up half baked heart that I have? It’s a fair question. Karma is a bitch. And I am Karma’s bitch.


4 thoughts on “Dandelions…

  1. Reflection is not bad. But it is bad to question your current self based on your past action. You grow up each day and occasionally you repeat your past wrong-doings. But it is afterall your past and you do grow from it. It’s experience that you need to get better. By going through hardships, you understand and become more solid. What may have broken your armor two years ago may not even dent you this year. It’s all about growing. We who have been through the hardest and even open ourselves to share and to help, are the light at the end of darkness. We who have dealt with personal hell and come back without our own blood spilled.

    Liked by 1 person

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