I realise that all the introspection is supposed to have taken place at the closing of 2014. But someone how it’s all kicked in now. It DID start a month ago, at my brother’s 21st birthday party. I don’t much enjoy family gatherings – or any gathering there will be more than 5 people attending… but I adore my brothers, and Mark is a cool kid.
A video montage was put together of various photos of him as he has grown up and so many of them he is surrounded by friends and family who clearly adore him. It was lovely to know that he has such a huge fan base, but what hit me like a concrete slab to the face – was that… I never had that.
Disclaimer – before I launch into my self-pity – I am indeed feeling low and emotional and the fact that I am putting this into words is probably because I have not slept enough and I may delete it in the morning – when I have had had some sleep and I don’t feel quite so pathetic.
It saddened me, deeply, that so many things that kids do when they are growing up, I never did. Either because I grew up too fast in some areas, or because I was a total nerd – or because… I was never comfortable enough in my own skin to be free – to have normal clean fun.
I am coming on 35, and ‘I have never’ done a LOT of things.
- I have never officially been on a date. I have hooked up and been in a few relationships – but never on a date. Like, sat across from someone who I am romantically interested in me and had them buy me dinner.
- I have never been bought flowers or had anyone do anything particularly romantic for me.
- I have never been told I am beautiful.
- I have never had a ‘gang’ of friends that I hang out with as often as I can and just chill or enjoy being near each other. The friends I do have, I hardly ever see (life moves fast), or they are so complicated that I don’t want to see them.
- I have never received a Valentine’s Day card or gift from anyone else other than my father. Bless his heart.
- I have never danced without being completely pissed.
But, on the flip side, I have done a lot of things that others have not – which in some warped way makes up for it?
- I have travelled most of Europe alone and happy.
- I have appeared on a medical documentary because of my synaesthesia
- I was in AA by the age of 20.
- I have been arrested for assaulting a clown.
- I have been bitten in the face by a 5ft Boa Constrictor
- I have been in rehab twice
- I have been in a fire, and lived.
- I have been beat up, sexually assaulted, and taken more hard drugs than the Rolling Stones and I am still kicking.
- I have had a sexual identity crisis and came out knowing that it’s all about the brain and not the body it comes in.
My parents talk about the kids they went to school with and still see some of them. My brothers still hang out with people they have been close to before puberty came along – and they have videos and photos galore to show for the ‘normalness’ of it.
I have a 12 year old marriage certificate. A fucked up married name, and the photos I have are not of fun times. They are just me – or me with family. I love my family – and I would be dead without them – so I am grateful. I just wish that my childhood hadn’t been tampered with by my uncle. That my teenage years weren’t spent trying to escape the pain and shame of things that happened – and that in my adult life – I spent more time liking myself instead of being so sure that I was made of blackness.
Don’t get me wrong. I know that I am AWESOME in so many ways. I just think my version of awesome is not like most.
My regrets are that I will never be a mother. I am aware I would suck at it – but I don’t like that the actual choice is no longer mine.
Okay. Enough morbid.
I’m going to bed.