Birthday Blues

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*sigh*
Today I turned 35 years old. Yesterday, thanks to my flair for setting fire to any situation which I have not taken a moment to think about before going on an emotional killing spree… I have spent the better part of today with red eyes and a clammy face because I realised how much damage I did.

In the space of ten minutes I managed to make five family members so angry that even I, who usually stands my ground at all costs, has had to lower my head with remorse for the amount of hurt I caused.

I struggle heavily with being the topic conversation. So each conversation I have had with those 5 family members they have made reference to something else which gives away that the whole thing has been discussed at length – which makes it harder for me to want to rectify my wrong.

My brothers. I hurt them all, one by one. The youngest – most like me – pretty much said that my apology was trite. I spent over an hour trying to be sincere and real about what I had done – so, epic fail on that one. The second youngest – we are still ‘talking’ about it. He has children and one just hit herself in the face with a yo-yo so to be continued…   and the older of the three, is more concerned about the group as a whole – as opposed to himself. Which I don’t know how to navigate so I am just letting that one be.

And my grandmother – who was the only other person who could have. To sum up her response, basically she never wants to read any of my blog ever again – and she described me as a 3D movie – except no one around me has the 3D glasses…

I don’t know what that means. But it hurt anyway.

Only after my waging war and the blaze that followed did my mother actually let me know that no one betrayed me – and that she herself went looking for the information and implied that someone else had given it to her.

So all the sharp worded interrogating … that has turned my birthday into one big red faced clammy tearful mess… was for nothing. For what? My mother trying to have less of a fight with me by saying ‘someone else’- not realising that I would run people over to find out who.

I have learned a few things from this.

  1. My family will always love me but they will never, ever, EVER understand me. That realization is like a blow to the heart. Mainly because the primary response is to put me at arm’s length instead of to try and understand what I am feeling and why.
  2. I care too much what my family thinks. I don’t know why – but I do. I need them…   I love them…  but I should be able to separate the approval from the relationships. I have  not managed to do that yet.
  3. That lonely feeling of being a bit mad and never quite making it through a day with out having a surge of emotions that no one else will be able to manage – and often that I wont be able to manage – will never go away.

The dynamic between us all is interesting. My mom still came around this morning and her love language is gifts – so she had bought cake and food and sweet stuff for us to have for supper tonight as she knows that James and I are struggling with cash.

Highlight of the night will be playing 3D Manopoly on PlayStation with James.

… I have just realised that my birthdays are notoriously messed up.

Last year… the girl I was so in love with came to my birthday celebration with the girl she wasn’t actually with anymore…  but everyone there knew what she meant to me – and I was so humiliated…. because she spent most of the afternoon with the other girl.

Anyway…

All is well.

cryblog

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12 thoughts on “Birthday Blues

  1. Happy Birthday Amelie! I feel as though birthday’s are naturally meant to be joyous occasions but for many (including you and I) they aren’t so we feel even worse about not being excited. I seem to argue a lot too with my family. I know they’ll accept but never truly understand me (I see it in my father’s eyes at my psychiatrist visit, every time they introduce a new disorder she think’s I have, he rolls his eyes.) and I kind of understand them for that. I think for some, these fragile moments tend to almost always break on us, it certainly does for me. I wouldn’t think too much of it. They know you, and if they don’t read your blog or so much as care, fuck it. You have fans on here who nearly and dearly care for your well-being and what you have to say, myself included.

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  2. All is well my ass. Really sorry you had a meltdown, I hope your family can shift towards some understanding of that fact. Of course, they never understand fully – but you’ve got us bloggers. I usually have shitty birthdays too – spent my last one weeping and seeing my psychiatrist.

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  3. happy birthday boy as I painfully wait for my 35th right around the corner! You are strong and make me know that I’m not alone in identity stuggles with in my own close family

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  4. Best wishes, our thoughts are with you. With all these great people here, you’ll never be alone, even on the shittiest of days 🙂

    It’s true that your family can never fully understand you – I have the same problem with my family. It’s one of the big downsides to being us. The only (partial) solution I’ve come up with is to keep communications open – it helps them to think they’ve got a handle on things. I know that sounds patronising, but it’s all I’ve got right now.

    I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have tried to comment back a few times and I have no idea if I am just jamming you up or if nothing is coming through. I will make one final attempt.

      Thank you for always having kind and sensible things to say. The communication bit makes sense.

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  5. Happy Birthday. I find family dynamics always interesting. You love them but sometimes you can’t be around them because they push your buttons. For me it is if I feel emotionally safe with them at the moment. When I feel emotionally vulnerable I seek out people I am sure will emotionally validate me. I can never be quite sure what will happen with my family.

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