Today I turned 35 years old. Yesterday, thanks to my flair for setting fire to any situation which I have not taken a moment to think about before going on an emotional killing spree… I have spent the better part of today with red eyes and a clammy face because I realised how much damage I did.
In the space of ten minutes I managed to make five family members so angry that even I, who usually stands my ground at all costs, has had to lower my head with remorse for the amount of hurt I caused.
I struggle heavily with being the topic conversation. So each conversation I have had with those 5 family members they have made reference to something else which gives away that the whole thing has been discussed at length – which makes it harder for me to want to rectify my wrong.
My brothers. I hurt them all, one by one. The youngest – most like me – pretty much said that my apology was trite. I spent over an hour trying to be sincere and real about what I had done – so, epic fail on that one. The second youngest – we are still ‘talking’ about it. He has children and one just hit herself in the face with a yo-yo so to be continued… and the older of the three, is more concerned about the group as a whole – as opposed to himself. Which I don’t know how to navigate so I am just letting that one be.
And my grandmother – who was the only other person who could have. To sum up her response, basically she never wants to read any of my blog ever again – and she described me as a 3D movie – except no one around me has the 3D glasses…
I don’t know what that means. But it hurt anyway.
Only after my waging war and the blaze that followed did my mother actually let me know that no one betrayed me – and that she herself went looking for the information and implied that someone else had given it to her.
So all the sharp worded interrogating … that has turned my birthday into one big red faced clammy tearful mess… was for nothing. For what? My mother trying to have less of a fight with me by saying ‘someone else’- not realising that I would run people over to find out who.
I have learned a few things from this.
- My family will always love me but they will never, ever, EVER understand me. That realization is like a blow to the heart. Mainly because the primary response is to put me at arm’s length instead of to try and understand what I am feeling and why.
- I care too much what my family thinks. I don’t know why – but I do. I need them… I love them… but I should be able to separate the approval from the relationships. I have not managed to do that yet.
- That lonely feeling of being a bit mad and never quite making it through a day with out having a surge of emotions that no one else will be able to manage – and often that I wont be able to manage – will never go away.
The dynamic between us all is interesting. My mom still came around this morning and her love language is gifts – so she had bought cake and food and sweet stuff for us to have for supper tonight as she knows that James and I are struggling with cash.
Highlight of the night will be playing 3D Manopoly on PlayStation with James.
… I have just realised that my birthdays are notoriously messed up.
Last year… the girl I was so in love with came to my birthday celebration with the girl she wasn’t actually with anymore… but everyone there knew what she meant to me – and I was so humiliated…. because she spent most of the afternoon with the other girl.
All is well.