Ever pissed in a cup and handed it to a doctor or a nurse and felt like you are betraying your own dignity by being so willing to look into their faces and know that what you just did was very undignified and awkward?
That, is what I feel like.
I have discovered that that although I am loved by my family – I have never been and never will be understood. That sounds simple – but it feels horrible for me. I have been written off…. or awkward conversations are had… and at the end of it all… I feel exposed and like I am wearing craziness that has a stench that I cant hide – and that it offends them.
At my birthday lunch, I was so blessed to have the friends that I have near by there. They made me laugh and they lifted my heavy heart for the time we were together and I was grateful. James and his mom Sheila and Meg were here too… and my house was a buzzing energetic disorganized beautiful mess, and again, I was grateful.
On the day that Meg arrived I was able to do a photo shoot with her that also added some colour to the storm cloud I was carrying around me. They came out beautifully and it was a good kind of emotional and cathartic for us both.
I got the most beautiful dream catcher from Sheila, and Marley got catnip that you shove in a fuzzy rat toy. He was a lunatic for a fair while, and he was one happy cat!!
But in the background, in my mind I was acutely aware of how the one brother that did come through and my parents and two sister in laws … would rather have been somewhere else. It made me sad. Sad that there are people unrelated to me who also see the worst of me who take me in stride, and love me… and understand that sometimes, I don’t even know I am being obnoxious. Who know to tell me to go and sleep or to walk away.
All over a tattoo.
I tell them I am in love with a girl (they are very religious) and my brothers were PROUD… even wanted to get to know her. I get a tattoo and it is the end of the world. I just don’t understand. … and if that carries on for too long, I will just stop caring.
I know this post was very disjointed – but… thats the way I feel. Its all one big mish mosh. I am grateful for my friends and disappointed in my family – in context to the way I am accepted and loved. The implication that I am GOOD or BAD or deserving of the sibling relationship I thought we had…
Bleh. Fuck up.