Not So Easy Fix

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Easy Fix.”

As we get older, we (should) become wiser. More self aware. More consistent. We (should) settle into who we are and be able to stroll or run or skip or bounce through life in a way that makes sense to at least some of those who are a part of our collective friends and family.

I recently had a falling out with my family. One that left me feeling distant and removed. But not by choice. More like I was pushed to arms length distance and then a barrier was put up, so that they could feel whatever they were feeling with out having to understand me.

What I failed to see and recognise in time, was that there was no actual right or wrong. I was bull headed, and they were hurt. They didn’t understand my attitude change, and I didn’t understand their inability to even talk to me about it with out making me feel…  shame. My immediate reaction is arrogance, defiance and all the other beautifully immature range of reactions I am capable of.

I resented that. In the days to follow I had my birthday lunch. As is tradition in my family we all go to supper or out for a meal. I invited my truest friends. The list of friends I had – has whittled down to those who I am able to just be ‘Sam’ with. Honest. Weird. True.

I would liked to have had two other people there, but they are too far away.

What I learned that day was, that I am blessed. Eugene and Michelle are a source of laughter and kindness and love and beauty and honesty and are not shy to tell me what they feel and think. Dave and Dell who have shared some of my lowest moments, and who were still trudging along side me at the other end. My Meg…  my butterfly. Free spirit so full of spunk and joy and happiness and so inquisitive.

Liss, and Andre were the two I would have had there but couldn’t. Liss lives in a far away place and is a kindred soul that sees the magic in words and sees the beauty in me when I don’t. Andre is a straight talking, quiet man who has become someone who I consider to be invaluable in my world.

I am blessed. Sitting in amongst my family who were all thinking the same things I was about ‘my wrong doing’ but who came and smiled and pretended successfully to want to be there. And then… there were my friends. Who made me giggle. Made me pose for photographs, and reminded me that even when I am treading water trying to navigate the emotions that I don’t always understand – they are there.

This thing – that has happened – will not be forgotten. I will have to hide it and be reminded to cover up what is shameful to others. For reasons I fail to understand. All I do understand right now is that Í will never be understood’. But what I also learned, is that I have a handful of people who don’t understand me, friends and family – but they love me anyway.

Any my James. Who shares my entire world. He doesn’t understand me at all, most of the time, but he loves me still, and is brave enough to hold my hand when I am waging war.

“And all was right in the world.” – Even when it is not.