It’s something I do at night, when I am unable to sleep and James is fast asleep and waking him to talk would be pointless… and when talking to my cat would only make me feel closer to insanity. He has a look that he gives me… that I am pretty sure if he could speak would contain serious cuss words.
How it works. I pick a person or an emotion. And they are the first word. Then the next is what that word or person elicits. And so on.
As I am feeling a bit melancholy at the moment, the word I will start with, will be: Night.
Night. Blind. Cleaver. Teargas. Dad. Police. Drugs. Fadi. Egyptian. أسود اللون. Suicide. Hospital. Rehab. Andre. Afrikaans. Bird Shit. Out doors. Hate. Sunshine. Hate. Nurses. Fighting. Anger. Misunderstood. Misread. Authority. Bullies. Head slam. Watching. Blood. Metallic. Taste. Synesthesia. Colour. Red. Autumn. Photography. Marina. Heartbroken. Love. Fickle. People. Too many… I don’t understand them. I read them… but I don’t understand them.. ugh.. time for a new word.
Music. Jazz. Theloniuos. Nina. Black. Beautiful. Harmony. Peace. Candles. Meditation. Dead. Voices. Quiet. … uhm.. James. Kind. Timid. Soft. Bullied. Weak. No.. that can’t be right. Fuck.
Oh right. New word. Fuck. Faceless. Drunk. Uncle. Smell. Withdraw. Hide. Smile. Pretend. Hope. Stupid. Kids. Happy. Dirty. Kids. Baron. Jason. Kicking. Scars. Hospital. أسود اللون
S&M. Pain. Bored. Broken. Breaking. Bored. Games. Seduction. Entertainment. Manipulation. Brainless fucking people…… how do you not know you are being led along? Dammit… new word.. uhm…
Some nights I will get it right. But for the most part I always loop and end up in the same place… and end up getting up for more coffee and a smoke.
Try again. While on the couch breathing in my smoke. Marlboro. London. Lewisham. Trains. Happy. Anonymous. Faceless. Buskers. Music. Homeless. bagels. Coffee. Starbucks. Crazy. Beautiful. Postbox. Walking. Mind the Gap. Pace. Nathan. American. Blind patriotism. WKD Vodka. Commune. Pearl.. Fire.. oh, no.. don’t want to go there.
On goes the TV, and I escape. My mind.