Her.

Have you ever listened to a song which brought a cluster of memories back in a way that leaves you feeling like you have been hit by a car. The emotions are too hard and too fast to be able to breathe in between each line that blasts through you?

We keep in touch…   the girl that this song reminds me of. She sent me this song…  because it reminded me of her. I clicked on it not expecting what came.

She broke me. I loved her….   in a way that …   I cant do justice with stupid words. Her lips and her laugh and her eyes are burnt into me like actual scar tissue. Branded onto my soul forever, regardless of what I say or do or who I love now… she was and always will be a part of who I am.

Our version of events is different of course. In my eyes – she walked away from me knowing it would shatter the foundations that she had helped build. We fit, in every way imaginable. I could be my dark jaded self with her, and we laughed and played and wrestled and kissed ferociously…   we bit, we grabbed, we..  loved.

She read to me. Poetry. She sent me images and… quotes and… her voice… was enough to melt my anger in moments. It was also enough to enrage me in seconds, but we were bound, tied, and our feelings forged in the stars.

She set me on fire. My mind. My very ideas of love and what it represented. The day she walked into my home for a simple photo shoot, and tripped over my flowerbeds, I was….  sure. Her intensity matched mine. Her anger matched mine. She didn’t flinch when I got angry.. ..   and no one, not to this day has stood their ground when I get angry except for her.

Her punk look. Her fucking beautiful mouth. Her body…    she was my crack cocaine. She was the beautiful woman who would pull up at my house with music so loud and fall out of her car in a hot mess as she gathered her shit and wrapped her arms around me like I was air…   her air.

I would have rattled the gates of hell to find her. I would have slit the throats of all those who stood in my way. But…  she left. With no warning. No words. No explanation. She has since said that I am too persuasive and she knew better than to warn me…

But..   I was already broken. When I met her she told me that LOVE was everything. What was the world with out love. I told her that I believed the opposite. That everyone walks away, and that being alone is safer, and less cruel on the heart. She became my muse, my desire, and the reason that my idea of the cruelties of love changed.

And then she did what everyone does. They leave.

I don’t hate her. I get angry still…   but there is no malice or hatred. She did what she did because her version of events was different to her…. her motives and her reasons are hers and I can not take that away from her.

But today, for the first time in about a year… I was yanked back into that place where the burnt scar tissue sits in my soul and I missed her. My hands shook at the overload of pain. I don’t understand it all, and I don’t want to… not really. Her truth might break me even more. All I know is I was an angel…  with wings that enveloped her…  in her weakest moments…  and she chose another, over me.

She was my flower. My porcelain. My dragon. My poet. My muse. My fellow dark shadow. My reason…       my purpose. And..   then she was gone. My limbs were ripped off and a tag was stuck on my toe..   I was dead. As I was when she met me.

I burned candles. I tried to drown out my inner screams with jazz. Coltrain, Monk, Nina…  but her scent and her memory lingered long after her smile was gone.

It did fade. I love another now. But today…    fuck. Today I bleed where I sit because of one song.

“Trouble (Stripped)”

Would you bleed for me?
Lick it off my lips like you needed me?
Would you sit me on a couch?
With your fingers in my mouth?
You look so cool when you’re reading me.

Let’s cause a little trouble
Oh, you make me feel so weak
I bet you kiss your knuckles
Right before they touch my cheek.

But I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Cause there’s a menace in my bed
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?

And I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head.
Set a fire in my head, tonight.

Would you lie for me?
Cross your sorry heart and hope to die for me?
Would you pin me to a wall?
Would you beg or would you crawl?
Stick a needle in your hungry eyes for me?

Let’s cause a little trouble
Oh, you make me feel so weak
I bet you kiss your knuckles
Right before they touch my cheek.

But I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Cause there’s a menace in my bed
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?

And I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head.
Set a fire in my head tonight.

Don’t forget me don’t forget me
I wouldn’t leave if you’d let me
When you met me when you met me
You told me you were gonna get me.

Don’t forget me don’t forget me
I wouldn’t leave if you’d…

But I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Cause there’s a menace in my bed
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?
Can you see her silhouette?

And I’ve got my mind, made up this time
Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head.
Set a fire in my head tonight, tonight, tonight.
Set a fire in my head tonight.