Halleluja

Struggling, to make sense
of what I feel,
I refuse to kneel.
at the mercy of opinion.
Lithium sponge like
dragging, through nights.
Sleepless.
Dreamless.
Needless.
I am bored of the single chord
that strums over and over and over
in my tired mind.
Leave me behind,
and let me rest, in this nest
of cluttered mess.
I will not mention your name,
if it’s all the same,
as that is how I got here, in the first place.
My mask is heavy,
and my skin is red with
the strain of trying to keep it in position
on my unseen face.
I would ask.
But I am too proud,
even when I am weak
even when all I seek
is the gentle and the meek
touch of forgiveness.
I am impatient for forward movement,
but I tied the knots that bind me to this post.
This slab that slides in and out, of the
freezer that is my mortuary.
This pillar of wrongs,
like a Leonard Cohen song,
deep and soulful.
Gravel voice that sings
Hallelujah, with a hint
of indifference.
Ambivalence.
Not really.
He means it.
But he never handed his soul over
to the shadows that crawled
about his bed,
whispering his name in a meanacing
laugh. He didn’t answer.
I did.