Notes to an absent Me.

Dear moody, clumsy, disorganized self:

  1. Stabbing yourself with a fondu fork can only be blamed on your won stupidity. Not the fork. And not the piece of meat you pinned to your hand.
  2. When putting our a paraffin fire, do not hold your arm directly above the fire. Also, when putting out fire. Don’t panic. That’s when shit happens.
  3. Don’t forget to take your Lithium in the morning. Shit will keep happening. People may die.
  4. There is such a thing as too much coffee.
  5. When making a phone call to someone who you know will speak for an hour, make sure you have peed first.
  6. When people crouch to have a look at the giant tattoo on your leg, there is no need to assume they are in need of a punch to the face. They are just looking. This is not GTA5, and you are not being taken down.
  7. Listening to the same song on repeat doesn’t make it any less sad.
  8. When you say things like: Bollocks to you, you ponce ass moron, what did you THINK was going to happen if you did that?  —  say it silently in your head, and not out loud in a busy supermarket near wide eyed mothers and their children. And if you have to say it out loud, maybe turn the volume down, and hide some of the crazy. Tuck that shit in weirdo. And ….  stop trying to reach things on the top shelf with your finger tips while precariously balanced on the bottom shelf… dirty bare feet …  it’s already a warning bell for those around you.
  9. Reciting poetry to strangers is not cool.
  10. When teaching a young kid to catch a ball in a mitt…   try not to destroy his manhood, his face and his shins. Also, you cant smoke and catch a ball…   it’s an accident waiting to happen.
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