5 More Necessary Notes to my Absent Self:

  1. When opening a tub of yoghurt, holding it under your arm at a 45 degree angle to pry the lid off – can only end badly.

    While doing pirouette with said yoghurt tub and spreading projectile low fat vanilla yoghurt all over the kitchen, yourself and the cat, do NOT expect your boyfriend to notice the ballet performance even though he is sitting less than 8 meters away from you engrossed in his online battles on GTA5…  with some spliff smoking dude from Liverpool chatting away about helicopters and scantily clad women.

  2. It is better to let a cat clean itself. You keep your face.
  3. It does not help to write doctors note reminders on sticky notes and then stick them upside down over your laptop camera lens out of paranoia that someone may be remotely watching you. Chances are you wont read an upside down reminder, and even bigger chance that no one is watching you.
  4. When glaring at neighbors hoping silently that they give you a reason to smack (the wife) so hard you dislocate her jaw…   pay close attention your own surroundings. Tripping over your cat’s bowl does not help you look intimidating. You just look like a moron.
  5. Remember to remove all sex toys from plain sight next time the cleaning lady comes. She arranges them in amongst the toiletries. NOT cool. Even less cool is that the ones that ‘stand upright’ are placed in height order according to the bottles of shampoo and body wash.
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