Yes. I am about to be mean.

When I first moved into my complex, the second floor – away from the club house, I figured that it was the perfect spot. My old cat would be safe from the more crazy cats downstairs… and we are in a quiet tucked away spot.

But what you can never really predict is your neighbors. The first meeting I had with the husband of the Duo was because I had no idea how to use my prepaid electricity thingy mabob so I asked him. He was MORE than happy to help. He was wearing a blue striped shirt. (That detail is important).

Then, I saw his wife. I said hi, and she looked at me like I was a Jahova’s witness that had just slapped her in the face with a bible. PURE disgust. I was a bit shocked by it because I realise that some people don’t like me AFTER getting to know me, and THAT I understand, but to look at me with such disdain with there being no history made me want to smack her in the mouth.

They had a dog. A SHITzu. Marley my cat had recently been near torn in half by my pit bulls so he is scared of dogs. He is not a fighter so he either runs behind me or runs away. So when he got chased down the stairs I yelled: What the HELL??? The woman, starts screaming at her husband. My SECOND confused moment when it came to her. Shouldn’t she be yelling the dogs name instead of expecting her Mr. Potato Head husband to make it down stairs in time to rescue the CAT, not the dog.

So I stood at the top of the stairs while she had a weird shrieking fit and made sure that her ‘death looks’ we met by my own version. I just like smiling when I do it. Makes it more unsettling for the person being stared at. So she slams the door… once they have the dog inside, and I see the husband (wearing a blue striped shirt) come wheezing up the stairs, with dog under one arm.

He mumbled an apology.

Two days later I posted this on Facebook:

The Ice queen and Mr. Potato head have separated. Ice queen kept the kid and the shiatsu. Then…

My neighbor had a hooker over. Either that or he has some desperate friends, because he is no ‘catch’ by any stretch of the imagination. Poor James had to listen to the rumble in the jungle vocals while I was sound asleep, oblivious. She came out with him all tarted up and ready to go. He was wearing his one and only shirt – the blue striped one.

The funny part is that two days before I had asked him if I could use his phone (because mine was lost) and he agreed. BUt he had obviously been surfing porn because he quickly minimized a screen, but there was another underneath it, and then another… each with a clear fetish in mind. I just laughed because I thought it was funny. He was, however – MORTIFIED that he not only had one screen open but about four or five.

I considered telling him that there is a way to minimize your whole screen at once. BUt that would have been a spoiler. His wife left him 3 days ago, and he looks more like he is celebrating. LOUD music and sequined visitors of the exotic kind.

Fun times.

Then, tonight, James and I were sitting in my office and we heard screaming coming from next door. It turns out my neighbor is into S&M. Don’t get me wrong – I have some questionable favorites in that department – BUT, when you invite someone over, in a close knit place..    why would you take the risk of having someone knock on your door to rescue what sounds like a woman in serious distress??  Being lashed by a man who either never baths or only owns one shirt??

I REALLY want to go and ask him what part of his brain is broken. But James wont let me.

So I phoned the guard house and told them that there was a woman in distress. He laughed. He already knew. MOST disappointing. That would have made my evening…   an unbathed man and his squealing choice of company.